self-hate

Hate is the absence of love, so there has to be a reason for love to be removed. It rarely involves string theory to figure out why you hate someone or something. That’s why hate is simple. Sure, people throw around the word ‘hate’ the same way they do ‘love,’ but bonafide hate is not obscured. It is still clear and easy to recognize.

Even though I normally gauge my feelings with razor-sharp precision within seconds, it took me too long to realize I hate myself. Just a realization that hit me like a bolt of lightning late at night. Before that eureka moment, I hadn’t even been in denial about my self-hate. I just didn’t know it.

Self-hate has driven me to do the things I have done and haven’t done. It’s not parents, friends, acquaintances, people I try to impress-it’s only me. Why blame everyone but myself? I guess it’s believing that lives are solely affected by other lives. It’s the reason why people are social beings. Without others, we wouldn’t be us. But then you also have to take control of your life instead of letting other people shape your life. You can’t hope for fate to dictate your entire life. Every self-loathing fiber of my being has to be transformed not by others, but by me. My jaded self needs a new perspective not ruled by anxiety.

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